Sex Therapy

Sex, Identity, and Connection: A Journey of Understanding

The reality is that all the personal and cultural factors around sex create a perfect storm of chaos that is difficult for anyone to make sense of on their own. Many grew up in homes where no one ever mentioned the word sex, nevermind discussed its relevance to our lives. We were left to figure it out on our own– at school, online, or through experience. Some of us grew up feeling confused about our desires, our bodies, and our relationships, but we had no one to help or guide us. Sex and sexuality are best understood as expressions of our identity and how we engage with others. These are powerful ways in which we connect with and understand ourselves and one another.

By breaking away from harmful social norms, we gain the freedom to define what sex means in our lives. To this end, sex therapy is a collaborative process where the therapist comes alongside the client in order to help them better understand their sexual identity, values, and desires, and then empowers the client to make changes so that their lives are better aligned with their beliefs and objectives. Sex therapists can also help clients work through sexual trauma and dysfunction that impede us from achieving deeper fulfillment and connection.

Redefining Terms: Sex and Sexuality

We all know what sex is and what it means, right? Well, the reality is a little less clear. When most people talk or think about sex they mean male-female intercourse, and when they talk or think about sexuality usually they mean whether someone is gay or straight. While intercourse and sexual orientation are specific aspects of sex, they are only a small part.

Our sexual worlds are vast. They not only include sexual acts but also central aspects of our identity that help us define ourselves and our interaction with the world. For some of us, we simply take for granted that we are male or female, we haven’t thought about it much at all. For others, their gender is an extremely important aspect of who they are because they haven’t felt at home within the categorizations that apply to everyone else. They have thought extensively about how they don’t fit in or they don’t understand why they are drawn to things that are considered normal to the opposite gender. Their sex is a source of deep personal meaning and entails a lifelong journey of discovery.

It is crucial to recognize that the person who hasn’t thought much about their gender is also deeply impacted by the social and familial climate in which they are raised. Our childhood environments shape us and influence our lives long-term. We learn what it means to be a man or a woman, how we are to act, to express ourselves, what jobs are acceptable, who we can spend time with, what is appropriate to feel, and much more. Our families, communities, and media shape our understanding of relationships, teaching us how romantic partners should interact and what is acceptable to discuss in public.

Challenging Conventional Norms

Many of us do not feel at home with the conventional definitions of sex and sexuality. If sex is male-female intercourse, and I am not cisgender and straight, does that mean I never get to “have sex”? If I have a disability, chronic illness, or dysfunction and I cannot have intercourse, does that mean I never get to “have sex”?

The point here is that sex and sexuality are much more than sexual intercourse and orientation. Our sexuality is defined for us as children. We are told what is appropriate and acceptable, and if we aren’t told as is the case in many circumstances, we see it modeled by our families, communities, and various forms of media. Many of us just accept and embody these messages, others of us struggle against them because we don’t feel like we fit in.

Regardless, our sexuality shapes our interaction with the world from the time of birth. We literally hear from the moment we are pulled from the womb, “It’s a boy!” or “It’s a girl!” We are defined and categorized by our gender, by our sexual attraction, by how we look and express ourselves, and by how others perceive us. As we develop over the course of our lives, these messages around sexuality only grow. They impact our relationships, our interests, our opportunities, our aspirations, and every other part of our lives. Sex and sexuality are definitional parts of who we are, central to our identity and our experience of life.

Why Sex Therapy?

Whether or not we fit the mold, we all are deeply impacted for better or worse by our environments and our experiences. All too often, these elements are not only unhelpful, but they can be negative and even traumatizing.

Sex therapy is a safe space where an individual or a relationship can begin to unpack and begin the healing journey toward a healthier and more fulfilling sexuality. We can begin to see some of the cultural and familial influences that have shaped our understanding of ourselves and our relationships. Maybe for the first time, we can decide which of these messages are actually aligned with how we view ourselves, how we desire to operate in the world, or how we want to relate to others or romantic partners.

For those of us who never fit in, we can begin to heal from the shame and pain of constantly being told that we are wrong or being forced to change and conform. In relationships, we can deconstruct the implications of social constructions around roles, performance, attachment, relational configurations, and emotionality. Sex therapy is a place of discovery and transformation that allows us to reconfigure our lives and relationships so that rather than being the people the world has made us to be, we can more freely be the people that we are and desire to become.

What is Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy encompasses all the myriad aspects of sex and sexuality that we face as individual and relational beings. We are all unique, and this form of therapy is as unique as the person, couple, or group that enters the therapeutic space. Whether you’ve been married for 40 years and desire to revive your relationship, you're encountering issues in a polyamorous relationship, you’re working through a sexual issue or dysfunction, or you’re just beginning to explore your own sexual identity– sex therapy can help.

This form of therapy is also a great place to start in the process of addressing sexual dysfunction, pain, performance issues, and trauma. A sex therapist works directly with individuals and relationships to help define the goals of the therapeutic process and create a plan to achieve those desired outcomes. Then the therapist joins and supports the client on the journey of self-discovery, healing, and growth. Sex therapy is for all people regardless of whether or not they fit into conventional formulations of gender, orientation, and relational configuration.

What should I look for in a sex therapist?

The first thing to note is that the sex therapy field is governed by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Sex therapists are trained mental health professionals that are registered and regulated by the state in which they practice and by national health care standards. Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy, and there is never any physical contact between therapist and client. There are many untrained and unqualified individuals that market themselves as sex therapists or provide some kind of service to help with sex. Please make sure they are qualified! The sex therapists at Mountain Vista Psychology are licensed professionals who have qualifications to ensure that they are practicing with the highest degree of ethics and with the most updated and effective treatments.

Next, as you begin to work with a clinician make sure that you feel comfortable and safe. Not every therapist-client relationship is a perfect match! Make sure that you are an excellent fit because discussing sexuality and working through vulnerable personal issues is impossible if you don’t feel secure in the therapeutic relationship.

What should I expect during sex therapy sessions?

During a sex therapy session, you can expect to discuss your concerns around sexuality, sex, and relationships. You will explore the issues that are most pressing to you, and begin to make a plan to address those issues. If you are in a relationship, you will begin to discuss the areas of concern or conflict in the relationship and with the help of the sex therapist make progress toward achieving greater harmony and connection. The reality is that no individual or relationship progresses in a straight line. There are ups and downs, there are periods of time with improvement followed by regression. This is all normal and to be expected. It’s important to remember that once we begin the journey of well-being, despite the twists and turns and how we may feel at any given moment, we are always learning, growing, and moving toward a better version of ourselves.