Learn to Fight Healthily with “I Statements”

avoiding power struggles

Through my formal education I was taught best ways to communicate.  The most effective ways to communicate are actually pretty much the same for parents and children, married couples, and children with other children. It is kind of funny, because regardless of who the communication is between, the concept of “I statements” is useful.

For example, divorce can be predicted (with great accuracy), by how couples fight. Of course everyone fights, but some do it with respect more so than others. “I statements” can help with healthy fighting. When parents talk with their children they can teach empathy and feeling identification with “I statements”. When children communicate with each other, the arguments can be worked out with greater speed with “I statements”.

Years ago, I worked at a school that used an “I statement” script with kids who had conflict to resolve the problem. By the end of the school year, kids would independently walk to the script and use it to successfully resolve their own conflicts without adult support. It was pretty cool.

I work with people to use “I Statements” all the time.  When I bring using “I statements” up in counseling sessions, often times people say it feels scripted or that it won’t work well; however, for those that try to use it I typically hear positive feedback on how it defuses situations.

Okay, enough build up. Let me outline the “I statement” script for you. I encourage you to try to use it and see how it goes. It can feel artificial at first, but it really is effective.

“When you __________, I feel _________. I would like ____________.”

Here are some examples:

When you aren’t following directions I feel angry. I would like you to listen to what I say the first time.

When you yell, I feel scared. I would like you to talk in a quieter voice.

When you don’t pick up after yourself, I feel disrespected. I would like you to pick your things up after you use them.

When you criticize the food I cook, I feel hurt. I would like you to eat the food I take time to cook.

You get the idea of how to do this. You pair your feeling with an action that someone took that impacted you. Finally, you ask for what you need from the person. When you use this script, it is more difficult for the person who is hearing the message to take it personally or get offended. The people in our lives don’t usually want to hurt us.  When they hear their actions negatively impacted our emotions, they are more open to also hearing our request of them.  This is why “I Statements” can take the fight out of arguments (or at least lessen it).

Written by Dr. Steffanie Stecker

Categories

Schedule a FREE Consultation

We believe in an integrative and holistic approach to help you make the changes you want. Contact us now to schedule an appointment or to request a 20 minute free phone consultation. During this session, you will be invited to share your story and ask any questions you may have.

Recent Articles

A small, sculpted brain made of blue clay sits on a pastel pink background, with a yellow wire bent into the shape of a lightbulb above it. This could represent the importance of brain health and overcoming trauma with a neurofeedback therapist in Englewood, CO. Search for trauma therapy in Greenwood Village, CO and how neurofeedback therapy can help.

Childhood Trauma and Neurofeedback: Rewiring the Brain for Emotional Well-being

Many individuals live with the long-term consequences of childhood trauma. The effects of early traumatic experiences can leave an imprint…

A glowing digital illustration of a human brain with neural activity depicted as bright white sparks along interconnected pathways. Learn more about how neurofeedback therapy in Englewood, CO can support brain health. Search for a depression therapist in Englewood, CO and how they can help today.

Neurofeedback and Brain Health

The brain plays a central role in neurofeedback because it is the source of the electrical activity that neurofeedback monitors…

A group of smiling friends standing closely together outdoors, showcasing a sense of connection and community. Contact a trauma therapist in Englewood, CO to learn more about EMDR trauma therapy in Englewood, CO and the support that community can offer for recovery.

The Power of Community in Trauma Recovery

A Sense of Community Can Be a Powerful Thing! Community can be incredibly helpful in many ways, as it offers…

A graphic showing a profile of a head with the text emotional freedom overlaid. Learn more about how an EFT therapist in Littleton, CO can offer support with anxiety therapy in Englewood, CO and other services. Search for anxiety therapy in Littleton, CO today.

What is Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT): Pt. 2

Can tapping on certain parts of the body really relieve a person from emotional and physical pain?! The answer is…