A Comprehensive Guide to Sex Therapy: Overcoming Shame, Insecurity, and Relationship Challenges

Is there something wrong with me? With us? Or with my body? With my desires? Or with my fantasies?

For many of us, there is an underlying assumption or a strange feeling that there is something different about us and our experience. Everyone else seems to have it together, but we’re a little bit off. This extends from insecurity about ourselves and our bodies to anxiety. This can also extend from outright fear about our relationships and sexual performance. There are so many personal and cultural factors that feed into our fears and insecurities. It is worth exploring some of these dimensions as part of the therapeutic process. The interaction and implications of these elements is unique to each individual and relationship. It is only through the process of untangling these forces and feelings that we can experience a heightened sense of satisfaction with ourselves and our sexual experiences.

Before we examine what happens in the sex therapy process, it is important to highlight the different forces that shape our understanding of our sexual selves. We will look at four of these elements in the next few paragraphs: cultural context, family dynamics, personal experience, and physiology. We will then take a peak at how a sex therapist can help individuals achieve the change and growth that they desire.

The Cultural Impact on Sexuality: How Culture Shapes Our Sexual Experiences

The first force we’ll examine is the cultural environment into which we are born. We are born into a specific family, but we are also born into a cultural climate that has broad implications for our sex lives.

We grow up in local communities with specific demographics. These demographics belong to broader regions and nations that have unique characteristics. These local and regional characteristics have dramatic effects on the lives, both public and private, of their members and constituencies. In every society, depending on your gender, orientation, race, and socioeconomic status, you will have varying degrees of freedom and legal protection.

The Influence of Cultural Norms on Relationships

In extreme cases, certain people, practices, and relationships are illegal. They live in acute fear of persecution. Even in the cases where legal rights are afforded to everyone, there are social norms that cause outsiders to feel some degree of unacceptability. This produces shame and insecurity. In the United States, the right to marry whomever you choose is 10 years old. A woman’s right to vote was only granted a lifetime ago. Segregation was still legal when many of our grandparents were young. Legal protection is a start. But the fact remains that bigotry and prejudice are powerful forces in the world today.

These factors create detrimental impacts on the lives of those that aren’t the majority. They also influence those of us that are. For example, social standards around what it means to be “manly”. Independent, tough, reserved, unemotional. These expectations wreak havoc in many relationships. Men struggle to understand and communicate their inner emotional worlds. At times, this causes them to operate in an emotionally immature manner. Straight men frequently struggle with their “nagging” and “emotional” female partners. Similarly, their partners grow resentful and bitter with their emotionally stunted men. A sex therapist can help individuals and relationships push past unhelpful cultural expectations. It can also challenge limitations that prevent us from experiencing deeper fulfillment.

How Family Dynamics Influence Sexual Development & Sexual Beliefs

Another important dynamic in our sexual development is our family. This is similar to how the society into which we are born influences how we view our sexuality. Our families also play a major role in how we think, feel, and act in regards to sex.

Some families discuss sex openly, where children and parents have an ongoing dialogue about their sexual experiences and development. Other families consider sex a taboo topic. The topic is regarded with shame and, in more extreme cases, outright disdain.

The Impact of Misinformation on Sexual Development

It is common for individuals today to have grown up in families where they never had a single meaningful discussion with their parents or an adult about sex. In these cases, the child was left to discover and make meaning of their sexual selves without guidance or protection. With the rise of readily available and free pornography, this has meant that the pornography industry drives much of what children learn about sex. The implications of this dynamic are too numerous and detrimental to discuss here, but we can look at one example.

Women in straight, hardcore pornography are orgasmic within seconds or minutes of penetration and require little or no foreplay. There is so much wrong with this picture of sex that it is shocking. In reality, penetration without foreplay is usually uncomfortable. It is sometimes painful for women. Women rarely orgasm from penetration alone. Women need up to 40 minutes or more to reach orgasm in partnered sex. All female orgasms stem from clitoral stimulation. External lubrication is usually a necessity for pleasurable sex.

The point is that instead of having supportive and instructional conversations with parents and other trusted adults, many of us get our sex education from a source that is not only inaccurate but potentially harmful to ourselves and our sex lives. Our family environment can influence our sexual development in ways that are healthy and empowering. It can also be counterproductive. Sex therapy is a space where we can work through the messages and meaning of sex that we received as children. Then, we can define for ourselves what we desire our sexual worlds to look like now that we are adults.

Personal Sexual Experiences and Their Lasting Effects

Next, we will explore how our personal experiences influence our sexuality. For many, our early sexual experiences are sources of shame and insecurity. For some, they are sources of abuse, violation, and trauma. Whether it was a degree of shame about our bodies or sexual activity, an unhealthy and tumultuous relationship, or sexual abuse or assault. We have all been affected by negative sexual experiences. These experiences can make relationships scary. They can make sex painful, and our sexuality a thing to be feared or ignored.

The implications are vast. Some find it difficult to trust. Others create unhealthy relational patterns. Some have out of control sexual desire, others struggle with sexual performance; the list is endless. A common way many people cope with sexual pain or trauma is by keeping their partners at an emotional distance. By not allowing our loved ones to be too close, we prevent ourselves from being inevitably hurt. But this lack of vulnerability also prevents us from experiencing deep intimacy.

People often use the terms sex and intimacy interchangeably, but they are not the same. We can have un-intimate sex and we can be intensely intimate without having sex. A fear of intimacy can drive us in many directions. One person has sex with many anonymous partners because they are afraid of being intimate while another avoids sex all together. Ultimately, the fear of intimacy prevents us from being securely attached to ourselves and to our romantic partners and produces negative and unfulfilling outcomes. Regardless of how negative and traumatic sexual experiences impact our lives, a sex therapist can help us begin the journey of healing these sexual wounds and redefine what healthy sexuality is for us.

The Role of Physiology in Sexual Wellbeing

Lastly, let’s look at our physiology. There are many medical and biological conditions and dysfunctions that impact sexual wellbeing. A disability can affect or sometimes prevent an individual from experiencing or participating in certain sexual activities.

A chronic illness can reduce one’s libido. A sexual dysfunction can destroy self-esteem and cause emotional and relational turmoil. Fortunately, through sex therapy we can address many of these conditions and concerns to create results that allow clients to grow and thrive despite medical or physical limitations.

Body Image and Sexual Confidence

While many of us deal with physiological and sexual health issues, we all deal with negative social expectations and stereotypes about our bodies. It doesn’t take much more than a quick google search to reveal this. People are obsessed with changing their physical appearance. This also extends to our reproductive organs. The demand for plastic surgery for breast augmentation, penis enlargement, and vulvoplasty is booming. Many that don’t resort to surgery still feel lifelong shame and anxiety about the size or appearance of their sexual organs.

Much of this comes from idealized body images in popular media. Additionally, it comes from the pervasive influence of pornography. Many of us also grow up learning to feel ashamed of our bodies. A common example of how this dynamic affects people on a daily basis is vaginal pain. There are many physiological sources of vaginal pain. A common psychological source is anxiety about appearance and performance. A woman that is concerned about how her vulva appears to her partner may have trouble advocating for the requisite conditions for pleasurable sex. This could involve extended foreplay, oral sex, added lubrication, or the use of sex toys. Fear, muscle tension, and emotional distress can make intercourse uncomfortable and even painful.

How a Sex Therapist in Englewood, CO Can Help

A sex therapist can help the individual work through her anxiety and discomfort with her body. A sex therapist can also help her find ways to communicate constructively with her partner/s. In the context of a relationship, the therapist educates and aids the couple in finding ways to communicate. The goal is to adapt their sexual experiences so that they are pleasurable and fulfilling without pressure or pain. Many individuals and couples struggle because they find it difficult to discuss their sex lives. Sex therapy brings the entire process into the light so that clients can discover constructive solutions.

Embracing Self-Understanding and Growth Through Sex Therapy

We have explored just a few of the factors that impact our sexuality. We all have a unique set of experiences and circumstances that create challenges to sexual wellbeing. In sex therapy, we deconstruct these forces to allow us to find peace with who we are and why we have become that way.

The key to change is first recognizing that we have developed the way we have for a reason. We have adapted to the culture, families, and bodies we are born into. Additionally, we have coped with the negative experiences that have happened to us. Not all of us have had the luxury of having people in our lives educate and support us through this process. We were on our own.

When we approach ourselves with a non-judgmental attitude we can begin to understand who we are and why we act and feel the way we do. We can have empathy for ourselves and gently appreciate how creative and resilient we are. We can come to accept our past. Acknowledging the past empowers us to reshape our future in alignment with our core values and beliefs. This is the indestructible essence that makes us unique and special. With curiosity, generosity, and patience, we can change and grow. We can start the journey of living fulfilled, congruent lives.

Discover Support with a Sex Therapist in Englewood, CO

As sex therapists at Mountain Vista Psychology, we strive to create non-judgmental and safe spaces for people to explore any and all issues related to sex. We are so excited for the opportunity to support you. It takes an incredible amount of courage and strength to tackle issues related to sex. We know that just by entering the therapy office, the client has already demonstrated that they have what it takes to change, grow, and build a better sexuality.

We have the knowledge and experience necessary to foster and develop these strengths together with our clients. It is our privilege to do so everyday. If you want to work through sexual issues, dysfunction, or trauma, or if you’re in a relationship that feels stuck or unsatisfying, we’re here to help. Let’s collaborate to create the change you desire. Get started by taking these steps:

1. Schedule a complimentary phone consultation.
2. Book your first sex therapy session with an expert sex therapist.
3. Discover support on your journey of sexual wellbeing.

Additional Services Offered in Englewood, CO

At Mountain Vista Psychology we help individuals achieve mental and emotional well-being. In addition to sex therapy for a healthier and more fulfilling sex life, we provide a broad spectrum of counseling services, including therapy for couples, therapy for children, therapy for teens, therapy for adults, and therapy for families. Our expertise covers anxiety and depression counseling, along with specialized Neurofeedback Therapy for ADHD, Autism, concussion/TBI recovery, and sports/performance enhancement. We also offer in-depth assessments for learning disabilities, ADHD, and Autism.